I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
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Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?