I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked