I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
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What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
These are my roll models.
Finally, an explanation.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.