*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
🤣🤣🤣🤣