Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
me, after any kind of buffet.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I drew y’all a little something.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk