email was a mistake. we shouldn’t be able to communicate this quickly. if my husband died at Gettysburg, that’s not my business until next spring.
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I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.