hi I’m Kendall Roy and this is, uh, the fucking Disney channel
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My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Best spoiler warning ever
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
when someone compliments me
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool