no offense but sometimes you can just tell if someone took gym class seriously. it’s such a specific vibe
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
i love modern commerce
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”