For the past 20 years I’ve received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
You Might Also Like
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Growing out my freckles.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.