remove all of the bathrooms from churchs right now. you need to be doing that at home
You Might Also Like
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register