*staring at screens for approximately 12 hours a day*
Yeah I could probably live on a farm…the woods even…
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that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
So we got a goldfish…
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes