the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
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The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
i want to work in this restaurant
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.