interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
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*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I鈥檓 still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that鈥檚 because we鈥檙e talking
Please don鈥檛 tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Me: there鈥檚 nothing I wouldn鈥檛 do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it鈥檚 raining a little bit
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Friend: How鈥檚 your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol鈥檚 extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I鈥檝e lost 2 pounds.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
Pro tip: if you have a student鈥檚 mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 馃敟 with 馃敟
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England