Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
my proudest tweet
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.