Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
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Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.