I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
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museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Has there ever been a more American story?
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM