I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
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I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it