You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
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what?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: