My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
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[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
scrabbled eggs
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
worst…sale…ever
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”