I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%