The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?