God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
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An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that