When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
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who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.