Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
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“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
i love modern commerce
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.