“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I created you as mosquito food.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
bro what is going on at twitter
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.