Doormats are a gateway rug.
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I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Found my door mat
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.