So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[eulogy]
line?
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
How it started: How it’s going:
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
who called it hell and not heaven’t
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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