the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
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HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
My god she’s good.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha