The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
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life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Sending in my taxes
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Swedish for common sense.