Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
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Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.