see you in hell you stupid fruit
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so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
nyc:
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children