Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.