Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
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[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
security at the airport getting more straightforward
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*