My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
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Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
The struggle is real
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours