ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
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I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit