This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.