You Might Also Like
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty