ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
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I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
SCARY COSTUME
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you