This device could predict incoming phone calls.
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me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”