If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
*offers Batman cough drops*
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.