Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
You Might Also Like
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
But wait…
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
So sick of all these stupid rules
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts