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Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.