(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
You Might Also Like
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions