me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
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I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.