It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
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Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!