Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
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“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Growing out my freckles.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.