My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
HERE’S MARKY
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that