9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.