No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
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Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.