*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
You Might Also Like
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
PARKOUR
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
car not found
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.